the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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