Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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