hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
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