why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I just got carded by a ten year old.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
