I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
