We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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