last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Nobody cheats on THIS.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
