This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
