I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
