I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
porn star boner night. come get it.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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