She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
