got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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