I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize
