Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Randomize
