She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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