Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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