Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
