Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
