I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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