I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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