I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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