This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
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I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
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When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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