By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
