I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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