I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
