I'm lost and stupid without you.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
