i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
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I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
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I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
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