She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
