i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Just invented taco cereal.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Randomize
