I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Randomize
