he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
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