my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Randomize
