can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
