remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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