1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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