I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
