it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
