Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
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