Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize