I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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