are you so shy because you have an std?
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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