i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
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