I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
false alarm, still single
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
