no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
time to smoke my breakfast
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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