I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
