Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
