He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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