Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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