the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
