for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
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