He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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