Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
