So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
