Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Sorry my hands just texted you
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
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