Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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