I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
