True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
